A Simple, Basic Mindfulness Practice: The ABCs of Letting Go

Early on one of the most important things that we can learn to do is to become less reactive. Part of doing this involves learning to stand up to the ego and say, No. This basic mindfulness practice can help us to begin doing just that. We can start to ask ourselves, as often as possible, What do I really want to have happen here?

The idea is simple. The practice is, sometimes, not quite so easy. The basic idea is this. Whenever we find ourselves in a difficult, annoying or challenging situation, instead of allowing ourselves to respond or react in our usual reflexive or instinctual way, we can step back for a moment and ask ourselves, What do I really want to have happen here?

How does this basic mindfulness practice work?

So let’s say we are bickering with a loved one. Sometimes we can find ourselves bickering about the silliest, most irrelevant topics, at least when it comes to the grand scheme of things. Sometimes we are even well aware of the fact that the argument is silly. Yet, despite that, the need to continue the argument, the need to be right, can be powerful. It can even be all consuming. In times such as these, we can step back and ask ourselves, What do I really want to have happen here?

The answer is likely to be that we would rather enjoy the company of our loved one rather than to have to navigate hard feelings for the rest of the day. If we can stop and hear that, if we can pursue that desire instead of the desires of the ego, we can instantly rewrite our entire experience for the rest of the day. Sometimes we will even feel that we are in the right, but what is it that we really want? Is it more important that we be right or is it more important that we deescalate and enjoy peace? We have talked a lot about knowing the true self. Everything is personal to the ego, but if our true self is not the ego then who is left to be offended? The seeds of coming to know the true self can be planted with this practice.

Be persistent

The more comfortable we become with this basic mindfulness practice, the more we will see that we can rely upon it. If the driver in the next car gives us the middle finger, whether we deserve it or not, responding in any way can open up a whole crazy can of worms. It can even, in the worst cases, lead to an accident or violence. Instead of instantly reacting, we should stop and ask ourselves, What do I really want to have happen here? Very quickly we will realize that what we would like the most is to go on with our day and hopefully never see this person again. Obviously our best chance of achieving this happens if we offer an apologetic wave or, at the very least, keep our heads down and do nothing. 

Here again we must be honest with ourselves. What is most important to us? Even if we believe we are in the right, we are not traffic police. It is not our job to provide some sort of shady, middle finger justice. If we want peace then we must make peace a priority, and we must earn it. This is an important idea in and of itself.

Nurturing the seeds of acceptance

If the checker at the register is chatting away or going slow, and we are stuck in line, whether we like it or not, we are there for the foreseeable future. Getting upset or annoyed does not change the situation. If we react badly in any way, how will we feel the next time that we see any of these people at our local market? A situation like this involves presence. It involves learning to be okay in the moment, and we can begin to invite that presence when we ask ourselves what we really want. We want to be okay. Nobody wants to feel annoyed. We want to feel at peace. We want our future interactions with these people to be positive and guilt free. It doesn’t have to be otherwise, and it doesn’t help to be otherwise.

Mindfulness breeds more mindfulness

This is a basic mindfulness practice, but sometimes it can be very subtle. This will becoming increasingly clear to us the more that we turn to it. We can begin to question the value of the little nitpicks that we sometimes all too easily offer, as well as the little sarcastic comments. We need to know our audience, and we need to read the room. As often as not, these little comments do more damage than we give them credit.

There is more biting honesty and intent behind our sarcasm than we would like to admit. People are intuitive. When we say these sorts of things people sense it, and they often feel the sting. This might result in them experiencing a little bit of hurt, a little bit of insecurity, or, if they have had a long day, they might just see it as an opportunity to lash out and escalate the situation. The effect of them can build up overtime and have a genuine effect on the overall nature of our relationships. As often as not, these little offhand comments are not worth it. We offer a hint of love, compassion and consideration when we learn to hold our tongues.

There is more to this basic mindfulness practice than meets the eye

Upon first glance, this practice may seem like it is about reducing conflict in our lives. At face value, it is, but really, if we delve deeper, we can see that there are multiple levels of Zen training at play. First of all, we are learning to slow down. In slowing down, we are learning to become introspective.

In both of these things, we are then learning to begin to become less reactive. We may be tempted to think that these ideas are simplistic and obvious. Yet, if we attempt this practice in the extreme, if we turn to it every time, relentlessly, we will quickly find the situation to be otherwise. We will notice how often we are resistant. We will come to better understand our current relationship with the ego. The ego doesn’t necessarily want what is best for us. It wants what is best for it. It wants to protect itself, prop itself up and justify its own existence.

The ego will be screaming at us to respond and take action. We will find that we have to remain undisturbed, even though we have noise coming at us from two directions. We will be annoyed with the person or situation on one end, and we will have the ego demanding a response on the other. Can we learn to remain calm in the eye of the storm and begin to become comfortable with what the experience of radical allowing feels like? All of this will serve us well, as all of these elements will be important aspects of our practice going forward.

What is our willingness to turn to this basic mindfulness practice?

This was one of the earliest practices for me, and it was powerful in many ways. Again, I know it might seem obvious or simplistic, but how many of us will be willing to do it? How many of us will be willing to do it on a radical level, without compromise? A basic mindfulness practice such as this has the ability to offer us tangible results, both immediate and long term. It invites presence into our world. It can reduce conflict in our lives. If you can do it relentlessly, I promise that the people around you will eventually take notice. They will not want to be the ones responsible for needlessly escalating small problems. They might just even begin to want to explore, of their own accord, some of whatever it is that they have sensed has begun to transform you.

There are many ideas here that we will expound upon in future lessons. We have already discussed the power of not-doing. Here we see that we can affect the behavior of the people around us with not-doing. In fact, Zen suggests that this might be the only truly effective way to change other people’s behavior. With this practice we also begin the important work of beginning to understand our inner worlds better. We can begin to form a new relationship with the ego. Additionally, we begin to understand the importance of making peace a priority. Finally, we begin to understand the true meaning and experience of inviting presence into our lives.

Explore more

When we do not take the time to collect ourselves and put this practice into action then, more often than not, we end up feeling regret. Regret can be a great motivator, but how we deal with and respond to regret can make all of the difference. This article on Behavioral Scientist digs deeply into the concept of regret. In particular, I think it is important to remember that there are healthy ways of dealing with and reflecting upon regret that will be more productive than others.

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